A new family addition

[seemagicshit]

[Rain pattered against the windows at a steady rate. It made a nice backdrop to the soundscape of Zhao's apartment. The rice cooker chirped pleasantly, miso soup burbled on the stove and the clink of dishware all harmonized and emphasized that a meal would be forthcoming.

Zhao whistled a little tune as he got everything ready. He'd opted for more traditional Japanese this time around, but had an extra dish of grilled chicken for his boyfriend's extra protein needs. He eyed the rain beginning to increase outside. Joon-gi Han would be perfectly fine in his coat, but it was going to leave a mess.

He eyed some of his more threadbare towels, wondering which he could throw on the floor to sit under the sopping coat when he heard the door unlock.]

Hey, baby, you made it just in time for dinner.

Comments

[seemagicshit]

[It was so good to be touched. But to be gently chastised for wanting to be touched was a different level of hot. Just a thrill of danger up his spine. But then the teeth on his neck elicited a gasp. The absolute level of command and raw hunger from Joon-gi was on a complete other level, to the point that it made him freeze.

He knew Joon-gi could be ruthless in a fight but no idea he could be ruthless in bed. Zhao had to parse out the words carefully, so for the hand that had stopped stroking him, he put his hand on top.]

I...

[What did he want? He didn't want his boyfriend to not enjoy himself. He didn't want Joon-gi to pretend he wanted something when he didn't. This was a sense of true feeling. That night when Joon-gi had slept in his bed and teared up at a good breakfast had been the first crack.

Zhao breathed in and out, realizing something else. As raw as Joon-gi's words were, the command requested, it was also a giant level of trust and vulnerability. There also wasn't any hint of violence. Just a level of command and respect. A man could want to fuck his boyfriend stupid and also tear up at the thought of losing a kitten.

A man could also grow to love a kitten in the home and also want to be safely commanded and told just how good it was going to be. The thought of Joon-gi just going to town on him made him groan, enough that he adjusted himself out of the position, turned around to reposition himself and look Joon-gi in the eyes, feeling that cock fill him up once more. He gripped Joon-gi's shoulders. He hoped he looked less scared and more hopeful, especially as he leaned back, being pressed into the bed, thighs wrapping around Joon-gi's hips.

It took him a few tries to speak because looking at his boyfriend in the eye with that ultimatum on the table made him into a quivering mess. But the ragged word was whispered:]

Please.

[joongipan]

[ He felt the way Zhao froze beneath him—like quivering prey locked in the jaws of a hungry predator—and knew that he had ruined everything.

He should have kept his fucking mouth shut. He should have known better than to ask for more than he was given.

A dog should content itself with scraps and be grateful. Isn't that what his father always used to say?

He felt Zhao pull away from him, slipping free from the circle of his arms. Something tore itself loose within Joon-gi's chest and he went utterly still, feeling cold and bereft in the absence of Zhao's warmth.

This was the precise moment where the life he had built together with Zhao would surely come crashing down—

Zhao turned and locked eyes with him, and there was something achingly familiar in that look. He looked the way Joon-gi felt whenever he knelt before his mirrored-twin, hands bound behind his back, face uplifted in supplication—a sinner seeking absolution from a coldly beautiful angel.

He looked into Zhao's eyes, and he saw both fear and hope mingled together in that look. Zhao reached for him, fingers curling tight against his shoulders, and pulled him close. Joon-gi felt himself tipping forward as Zhao fell back against the bed, clinging fiercely with those strong thighs wrapped around his hips, like he never wanted to let go. Joon-gi braced his hands on either side of Zhao's shoulders, unable to move, unable to look away.

Zhao whispered a single word, and it was the most beautiful sound Joon-gi had ever heard.

Please.

It was an admission of trust on Zhao's part—trust that Joon-gi would take care of him.

He remembered how his mirrored-twin took hold of his chin between thumb and forefinger, tipping his head back to expose his vulnerable throat. The glint of moonlight against perfectly white teeth as he spoke: Do as I say, and I promise I will take care of you.

Joon-gi tipped his face closer as expression softened just a fraction, though his voice remained just as cool and measured as before. ]

Good boy. [ One hand stroked against Zhao's cheek in a tender caress. ] That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

[ Joon-gi rolled his hips, thrusting slow and deep as he worked to find his rhythm. From this position he could get much better leverage, and as he grabbed hold of Zhao's hips, he angled his lower body for an even deeper penetration. Joon-gi slowly ramped up the pace, feeling the bedframe creaking with the movement as he groaned deep in his chest. It felt so good with Zhao's legs wrapped around his hips, fingers digging into his shoulders. He snapped his hips, shifting to short, shallow thrusts before resuming a slow and deep rhythm once again.

Joon-gi leaned forward, a sheen of sweat glistening against his brow as he looked into Zhao's eyes. ]

Tell me how badly you want this.

[seemagicshit]

[They were both fucking gambling and both coming up triple 7s in what each wanted the other to do to them. As Joon-gi immediately began to follow through with being an amazing fuck, a needy sound escaped Zhao's lips, very much on the loud side that he immediately stifled, trying to be so good.

Oh my God, Zhao was positive that he really hadn't been fucked so thoroughly before! It wasn't even that it was being too fast and rough, but that it was slow and strong and hit that spot over and over. Not to mention that it just kept going, that muscled body thrusting over and over, hands gripping him and watching his own legs clench around Joon-gi, acting as a goad. Every time he'd thrust in, Zhao swore it was balls deep, like his body was made to fit his boyfriend's cock.

Zhao's own cock throbbed with the need to be touched, but he held himself off only by biting on one of his own arms and muffling his rising excitement. But oh, wait, wait he had to say something, words what the fuck were words? He hissed a whisper, reaching up to drag a hand over his boyfriend's chest.]

Please oh fuck please please touch me need it so bad you fuck me so good holy fuck Joon you're so goddamn hard you feel so good please touch me I swear I'll come so hard when you do just touch me please no one's fucked me like you please please please...

[joongipan]

[ Never, in all of his wildest dreams and fantasies, did he imagine Zhao capable of making such small, desperate little noises. He couldn't help but grin with self-satisfaction as Zhao covered his mouth, trying to suppress those needful whimpers, and Joon-gi wanted so badly to tease him further, just to hear what other noises he might make...

But as he felt Zhao's hand splay across his chest, Joon-gi was forced to push that impulse aside. There was something so beautiful in the way Zhao looked up at him—face flushed, eyes glazed with pleasure—and knowing that he needed more.

Joon-gi understood hunger on a primal level. His predecessor understood it, as well. He taught Joon-gi about indulgence and denial, and how the proper application of one or the other could bend anyone to your will. Because everyone had their breaking point. It was just a matter of finding it.

And Zhao was quickly reaching his own...

Joon-gi leaned forward as Zhao continued to babble a litany of pleas, and captured his mouth in a fierce and hungry kiss, effectively silencing him. The slow, deep fucking switched to shallow thrusting as Joon-gi sought to maintain that closeness, all while still kissing Zhao. He could feel Zhao's cock trapped between the press of their bodies, and he took advantage of the position to grind against him a little, offering some small measure of relief.

Several long moments passed before Joon-gi finally broke the kiss and pulled away. He gasped for air, laughing breathlessly. ]

Good. Very good. I appreciate the enthusiasm. [ His smile was beatific as he brought his right hand to rest against Zhao's chest, and slowly dragged it lower. ] You've been very, very patient, and I think that deserves a reward...

[ Joon-gi's pulse quickened as his fingers wrapped around Zhao's throbbing cock. He gave it a firm squeeze, marveling at how hard he had become, and then slowly began to stroke him. The head of his cock was already slick with pre-come and Joon-gi worked to spread some of it along his shaft. ]

You're so fucking hard right now, babe. [ Joon-gi was panting as he stroked Zhao faster, his gaze hot and hungry as he imagined what it would feel like to have their positions reversed. ] I've never felt you get this hard before...

[ It seemed almost a waste not to have such a magnificent, rock-hard cock filling him up right now, but there would be other opportunities. His hips pounded harder against Zhao's ass, causing the bedframe to bump rhythmically against the wall.

Joon-gi's stamina was quickly running out as a familiar pressure began building in his lower belly. The sight of Zhao desperate and disheveled beneath him was going to push him over the edge...

But he wasn't going to come first. No way in hell was that happening.

He fixed Zhao with a heated look, his voice soft yet commanding: ] Come for me. Now.

[seemagicshit]

[Fuck control, didn't know her never met her. One desperate tongue lashing kiss followed with Joon-gi taking absolute control, fucking him hard into the mattress and even into the wall. With that hand finally and firmly gripping him and stroking him off and the very insistent command, Zhao took a deep gasp of air, grabbed onto Joon-gi's shoulder with one hand, shoved his other forearm into his mouth as he came. Hard.

His cries were incoherent as his body arced, lifting both of them for a moment, feeling hot warmth start to spill across his abs. Wave upon wave of pleasure radiated from being truly well fucked by someone growing more important to him by the day.

Tears filled up and spilled from his screwed shut eyes, completely blitzed and overwhelmed with feeling. He faintly felt and heard Joon-gi finish with a deep shudder that contributed to the continuation of his own euphoria.

Holy shit.]

[joongipan]

[ He felt every muscle tense within Zhao's body, pulled taut as a bowstring; the fierce clenching of thighs threatening to crush his hips. Joon-gi groaned deep in his chest as he felt Zhao tighten around his cock, drawing him in deep.

At this rate, he wasn't going to last much longer...

Zhao cried out as he finally came, spilling across his belly. Joon-gi worked him through it, milking every last drop out of him, but there was just so much of it! He felt Zhao grow limp within his grasp, his entire body a weak and boneless mess. He simply laid there, eyes screwed shut, gasping for breath, a sheen of sweat coating his skin.

He never looked more beautiful than he did now, raw and naked and completely spent, trembling in the aftershock of orgasm.

Joon-gi took hold of Zhao's thighs, and with a few more thrusts, was brought to completion. He tipped his head back, breath hitching with a sharp cry as every nerve lit up with electric ecstasy. He felt weightless, euphoric.

With a shuddering sigh, Joon-gi withdrew from Zhao's limp body, feeling spent but satisfied. He smiled, shifting positions so he could straddle Zhao's hips. He bent forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his sweat-slicked brow. ]

You did well, jagiya. [ He pressed a chaste kiss to Zhao's lips. ] I'm so proud of you.

[ As he drew back, Joon-gi noticed the tears streaming from Zhao's eyes, and something tightened within his chest. Reaching forward, he caressed one stubble-roughened cheek and brushed his thumb against a trailing tear, but Zhao refused to open his eyes. ]

Hey, you're still with me, right? [ He cupped Zhao's face between both hands, heedless of the slick mess coating his fingers. ] Open your eyes, Zhao. Look at me.

[ This was not a command, but a small and desperate plea. ]

Please.

[seemagicshit]

[Zhao just sort of coasted along on feeling, utterly drained and satisfied. Sometimes in the past when he got a little too drunk, he could get a little teary because he felt so much. This felt the same and he would have been content to bask.

Except that he heard someone calling for him, asking him to open his eyes. So he cracked one eye open to see his boyfriend perched on top of him. He smiled lazily.]

Hey baby...sorry just...got really into it, ya know? Weren't kidding. Fucked me stupid 'cause got no thoughts. Head empty.

[He laughed a tiny bit. The more he thought about it, the more it felt like that time he ate one too many edibles. Just couldn't do anything but coast on a feeling.]

Tried to follow and be good. Glad I did okay.

[joongipan]

[ Joon-gi shook his head and smiled, feeling a wave of relief wash over him. He had asked a great deal from Zhao without even properly preparing him for such a request. It was only natural that he'd feel both physically and mentally exhausted from the ordeal.

At least he enjoyed himself, that was the important part. Joon-gi very much enjoyed himself, as well. ]

You did more than 'okay', jagiya. You. Were. Amazing.

[ He pressed his forehead briefly against Zhao's and closed his eyes, simply basking in the moment and in the warmth of Zhao's body beneath him.

But it wasn't long before the sticky mess drying against his skin became unbearable, and he could only imagine how uncomfortable it must be for Zhao, who was practically covered in it. He straightened, glancing quickly toward the bathroom. ]

Stay here. [ As if Zhao were capable of moving any time soon. ] I'll get you cleaned up.

[ Joon-gi padded to the bathroom and spent a few moments cleaning himself up first before returning with a clean hand towel and some moist towelettes for removing makeup. He settled himself on the bed next to Zhao and began mopping up the majority of the mess on his belly, gingerly scrubbing at it with the towel. ]

Things got... a little intense, I think. [ His brows furrowed, expression softening. ] I'm sorry if it was a bit much for you.

[ He folded the towel and set it aside, then worked on Zhao's face with one of the makeup wipes. There was a great deal of tenderness in the gesture as he wiped the tears and lingering stickiness from Zhao's cheeks. ]

How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Some water, perhaps?

[ Even if Zhao didn't think he needed it, Joon-gi would bring him some water anyway. It wasn't uncommon to feel a bit dehydrated after such an intense workout, and Zhao would probably thank him for it later. ]

[seemagicshit]

["You. Were. Amazing." That summed up their entire experience. True to his word, Joon-gi started to tend to Zhao, because fuck him if he was capable of anything complex at the moment.]

Yeah. Water's good.

[It also tasted amazing. He looked up at his boyfriend, a whole array of emotions shining from his eyes. As if that were some sort of signal, positions shifted and he snuggled himself nearly headfirst between his boyfriend's tits. Utter safety and bliss, the like he hadn't felt in a long time.

The next thing he knew was an alarm and the distant mewling of a kitten. Zhao woke up, stretched and immediately winced. No shit things were intense. Certain parts of him had stiffened up and not in a good way. Not to mention he felt like he'd done a great leg and ab day at the same time. He shut the alarm off, seeing that his boyfriend was still sleeping, took the phone and tended to both himself and Chun Li.

Once those things were done, Zhao sat the kitten on his lap and made a little game of playing with her by gently bopping her on the top of her head and she'd worm around trying to touch his hand. With tea in hand and a bit of food and painkillers in his stomach, he started to process what happened.

In the moment, everything happened the way he wanted it to, just that in the cold light of the evening, it was startling. He nodded because that seemed fair. Given how hesitant Joon-gi had been before, Zhao had no idea what lurked beneath. He'd also basically flung himself in the deep end with being so very dominated. It had been a very thorough time, but he might not want to do that again any time soon because of its emotional vulnerability. Probably warranted a conversation at the very least.

But...Zhao still felt like himself. Nothing had changed, just that he found some weird shit he was into. And it felt logical in his head. You're a leader for so long, having someone else lead you and tell you how to act in bed could be very attractive in that moment. Just made you feel weird when you thought about it later. Like a food or a dish that tasted excellent but came with an odd aftertaste. Part of the whole experience.

Feeling better hashing all this out in his head, he played with the kitten a bit more to tire her out, tucked her in for sleep, set the alarm again and passed out on the couch. Man, his sleep schedule was going to be fucked for a while with her.]

[joongipan]

[ Though Zhao had several inches on him, he curled up next to Joon-gi and buried his face against his chest. Joon-gi reached up and stroked his hair with one hand, holding him close. He felt so small and fragile within the circle of his arms.

Joon-gi stayed awake long after he heard Zhao's breathing even out. He stared into the dimness of the room, holding Zhao close, afraid to close his eyes. Because once the darkness claimed him, this moment would be lost forever.

But he couldn't fight off sleep forever. Eventually, he closed his eyes and fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.

Joon-gi awoke several hours later to near-total darkness. Thin shafts of light poured through the gaps in the blinds, and Joon-gi realized that it must be evening because the street lights were on.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, blinking. He'd slept so deeply for once that he actually remembered his dream—

Warmth spread across his face as he recalled how Zhao had been stretched beneath him, helpless and stripped of his pride as he begged for Joon-gi's cock. He took a deep breath and pushed that thought aside, trying not to linger over the pleasurable feelings it evoked.

He rolled over, stretching his arm out to reach for Zhao, only to find his side of the bed empty. Joon-gi bolted upright, his stomach twisting into knots as several thoughts collided in his head all at once. First, he'd slept through the alarm. Second, the mind-blowing sex he'd experienced earlier wasn't just some vivid dream. Third, Zhao was missing.

He pulled on a t-shirt and underwear, not even bothering to put on his face or fix his hair before leaving the bedroom. He made his way to the living room, pausing when he heard Zhao speaking in the gentlest of tones: "Come here, stinky, take the goddamn bottle."

Joon-gi cautiously approached and saw Zhao seated comfortably on the couch, feeding the kitten once more. Maybe she was getting used to it, or maybe Zhao simply had a more steady hand, but it looked like she had hardly spilled anything on herself.

Carefully, Joon-gi perched on the opposite side of the couch, drawing one leg beneath him, and simply watched in silence.

Eventually, he said: ] You let me sleep through the alarm.

[ Not accusatory. Just a simple statement of facts. And, perhaps, an awkward way to break the ice. ]

[seemagicshit]

[Zhao heard Joon-gi pad into the room on bare feet and sit on the couch. He did not look up, only because he didn't want to break his concentration on feeding Chun Li. Once that was complete, he completed the ritual of rubbing a damp rag on her to feel like a little grooming.]

I swear you're already bigger.

[After a few more pets and urging her to do a bit of business in the litterbox, he put her in her princess bed. She snuggled among the shirts, gave a little meep and settled in. Only then did Zhao look up, half illuminated by slivers of streetlight and half drenched in shadow.]

Let you sleep through two of 'em actually. I think it's like almost 1 a.m. or some shit. You hungry? I got a little something almost done, but if you just want tea, got that too.

[He washed his hands, scrounged up what looked like karage wrapped in some kind of cabbage or lettuce for crunch with rice and poured two teas. Zhao made a satisfying noise as he took a bite.]

So. Gotta agree, best goddamn pounding of my whole life. [He couldn't help but laugh a little. That was certainly a selling point that his boyfriend delivered.]

But, I feel like we kinda just leaped right into that without really talking about how we got there. It's like we cliff dived into water and didn't bother to check if it was deep enough to do that kinda shit. So, I gotta say, I don't think I can do that every time we bang. But do you need that all the time? Or special occasions or...help me out here.

[joongipan]

[ Two of them? Shit... Joon-gi sighed heavily through his nose and ran a hand through his hair. Unacceptable. ]

You didn't have to do that.

[ Was this some sort of payback for Joon-gi staying up half the night before? Maybe. It was a sweet gesture on Zhao's part—and Joon-gi did appreciate the extra hours of sleep—but he worried this was going to set a bad precedent. He didn't want Zhao to feel like he had to take on the onus of caring for this kitten when Joon-gi was the one who had brought her home in the first place.

Zhao mentioned food, and Joon-gi remembered that all he'd eaten that day was a couple of strawberry crepes. He winced inwardly. Yes, it was a cheat day, but he needed more than just sugar and carbs for a balanced diet.

He nodded cautiously, even though he didn't exactly feel very hungry right now. ]

I should probably eat something. Maybe I'll just steal a little off your plate, if that's alright with you?

[ He'd mostly meant it as a joke, and even managed a small smile as he sat down at the table. Zhao placed a cup of tea in front of him. He picked it up in both hands, savoring the warmth and the aroma. He could smell the karaage as Zhao took a bite, and his stomach grumbled petulantly, as though conceding the fact that maybe he was just a little hungry.

Joon-gi took a cautious sip of his tea, then nearly choked when Zhao led in with that rather pointed opening statement. He covered his mouth with one hand as he tried to clear his airways. ]

I... um. You're welcome? I guess?

[ He felt his entire face heat up with a mixture of embarrassment and shame. Zhao made a rather apt comparison, about how they both dove in head-first without really being prepared, and Joon-gi couldn't help but feel as if he had failed them both on this point. ]

You're right. We both leapt headfirst into dangerous waters, as you put it. But I'm the one who took you by the hand and asked you to jump with me. [ He dropped his gaze, unable to look into Zhao's eyes any longer. ] And for that, you have my sincerest apology.

[ He stared into his tea and swallowed hard. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all. He should have bitten his tongue and swallowed down such shameful desires, especially ones which evoked memories of him...

They sat there in uncomfortable silence while Joon-gi tried to process everything. Finally, he said: ] I think... it would be for the best if you didn't see that side of me anymore...

[ As much as he enjoyed that brief feeling of power, he understood how easily it could be abused, how easily he could have hurt Zhao without truly meaning to. It was fortunate that they had managed to navigate such turbulent waters relatively unscathed, but would Joon-gi risk Zhao's wellbeing just to chase some momentary pleasure, no matter how enticing?

He felt his stomach twist tighter than a Gordian knot at the thought of hurting Zhao over something so selfish. ]

[seemagicshit]

[Zhao operated on the theory that by being open and listening to people, no matter how weird the topic, that it'd usually work to smooth out any problems. Joon-gi, on the other hand, didn't seem to happy about how they spent their time. Especially if his knee jerk reaction was "hell no, never again."]

Hey man. Yeah we kinda risked it, but we're both here. I still want you here, ya know? I wanna understand and shoving part of yourself in a box isn't how I roll. Not anymore.

[It was a good statement, he thought, but undercut by the big crunchy bite of food he needed.]

You. Didn't. Hurt me. You certainly took charge of me, and I kinda wondered where the fuck we were going with everything, but I never felt like you were out to kick my ass or anything. This...being in charge sometimes is something that obviously gets you off and I'm definitely all about that.

I just want to know how we can do that safely and together when we're both in that kinda mood. You know how you made me feel so good? I wanna know what I can do to help YOU feel good. I think I gotta know how you see this or what you need for this to know if this trips into something I'm not good with.

[joongipan]

[ Slowly, Joon-gi lifted his gaze and met Zhao's eyes once more. He had neglected to wear his shades, so it was easy to see how his eyes had softened beneath the warm light streaming from the kitchen.

Try as he might, Joon-gi couldn't find a trace of disgust nor judgement in that look.

I wanna understand, and shoving part of yourself in a box isn't how I roll.

He straightened in his seat. Is that what he had been doing all this time? Cutting away the parts of himself that no longer served and burying them so deep that even he could no longer recognize them?

He could feel the mask slipping once again, the cracks in his carefully constructed facade widening by degrees. Despite everything, it still surprised him that Zhao was reaching out his hand in a bid for understanding, chipping away at the wall of ice Joon-gi had constructed to keep anyone from ever touching his heart.

Only one other man had successfully breached that icy wall... But he was gone, and only a pale shadow of his former self remained to bear his name.

He took a breath and the words spilled out of him, haltingly, at first. ]

I didn't. [ He lowered his eyes, tracing the rim of his cup with his thumb. ] But I could have. And that's what frightens me, the thought that I could be capable of hurting you, despite my best intentions. I just...

[ He paused, brows furrowed as he struggled to articulate his thoughts. ]

As much as I enjoyed that moment we shared together, I want to be careful. I don't want to risk ruining the future we're building together by acting recklessly. [ Joon-gi bit his lip, wondering if he should leave it at that, but decided against it. ] If you're interested in trying that again—giving up control to me—then we need to decide on a safeword. That way, if things get too intense, you can tap out at any time, no questions asked.

[ 'If' being the operative word here, though Zhao already seemed open to the possibility that this option wasn't entirely off the table.

Even so, it had to be his choice. This wasn't something Joon-gi felt comfortable asking from him, as of now. ]

[seemagicshit]

[Oh, oh, he got it now. Zhao knew Joon-gi couldn't hurt him, but Joon-gi wasn't as sure and that could drive anyone up the wall and around the corner. He reached out to take one of his hands, lacing their fingers together. His brain was working feverishly because several things were starting to slip into place. But he couldn't just say nothing in that moment, so he reverted to being light hearted.]

Yeah, having a safeword makes sense. I'm going to make it something silly like...uh...pickle, because it'll jar us both out of the moment. If I forget and just start throwing out random names of food, that's what I'm going for.

[He actually said building a future. Holy shit. You only get this upset if you're worried you just fucked up your one chance in having something really important. THAT thought made his heart skip a beat. It made Zhao think of the night that Joon-gi had reluctantly spoke up and wanted to stay at his place for the night. Which led him to think of the morning with breakfast and how the other man had looked at the meal and quietly wept.

It was easy to just sense someone was going through it and give them the space to center themselves. But that plus admitting his fear, plus thinking like he was a stray?

He's fucking drowning.

Zhao kissed his boyfriend's knuckles, one at a time.]

So you know what? We got a plan in place for the future. But you know? Maybe we try other things. Like I said before, us learning how to really get each other off is a skill and we're gonna mess up along the way. So's just...fuck, I don't know how to put this.

Just understanding each other, yeah? I think as long as we keep trying and keep talking about it, we're gonna get better at it.

[Zhao knew a thing or two about feeling like drowning. Getting bogged down with job and position and place in life that threatened to crush his sense of self to nothing. But he was strong. He withstood it as long as he could. But ultimately, what helped him were real friends.

He didn't know enough to know how to pull Joon-gi out of whatever was trying to drag him down. But maybe being there was a start. He scooted his chair around, just so he could hold the other man in his arms and then whisper in his ear.]

I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not leaving you.

[joongipan]

[ Zhao reached for his hand, fingers lacing together, and Joon-gi found himself clinging tightly, as though his hand were a lifeline.

Zhao really was his lifeline, wasn't he? After the Geomijul headquarters burned down, Joon-gi had nowhere else he could call home.

Until now.

His lips twitched into a half-hearted smile. When faced with a difficult situation, Zhao always tried to inject a bit of levity to ease the tension. It was one of the many reasons Joon-gi found himself falling so hard for the man in spite of everything. ]

Of course. It's always food with you, isn't it? [ He laughed beneath his breath. ] I'll make sure to remember. Promise.

[ He shivered as Zhao pressed a kiss to each of his knuckles, as though he were some fairytale knight swearing fealty to his beloved prince. A faint blush bloomed across Joon-gi's face at the thought of being swept off his feet, knowing that he'd be safe and protected in Zhao's arms.

But his life wasn't some fairytale. There were never any happy endings. Every time he allowed himself to grow comfortable and complacent, something would come along and upend his entire life. Every time he allowed himself to love and cherish something, it would inevitably be snatched away.

Maybe he was simply waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it always did.

Maybe he was waiting for Zhao to leave him. Because he would, eventually. He'd grow tired of taking care of Joon-gi, of trying to navigate his hang-ups and reticent moods. He'd want someone more forthright, more assertive; someone warm and outgoing and—

Before his thoughts could spiral any further, he felt Zhao's strong arms embrace him, pulling him close. Joon-gi exhaled softly as he felt Zhao's grip tighten against his shoulders, and he trembled as he reached up and hesitantly returned his embrace. He tipped his head against Zhao's shoulder, fingers curling tightly against his shirt.

I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not leaving you.

Something broke inside of Joon-gi at those words. His eyes burned with the threat of tears, breath hitching in his chest as he tried to speak over the lump that had suddenly settled in his throat. ]

Don't say things like that. Don't make promises you can't keep. [ His voice was little more than a thin whisper. ] Please. My heart has already been broken once before...

[ Before meeting Zhao, he thought he would spend the rest of his life picking up the pieces. Only now did he realize that the man he had come to love so dearly was holding his missing piece, replacing the ones he had lost along the way.

Maybe that's why he was so afraid of losing Zhao—because losing Zhao would be like losing a part of himself all over again, and could he survive having his heart broken a second time? ]

[seemagicshit]

[In Zhao's mind, they were both underwater. That feeling of drowning was pulling his boyfriend under and Zhao had to make a decision. He could save himself or he could fight like hell and pull them both to sunlight.

"My heart has been broken once before..."

With everything Zhao was putting together and now with this information, it smacked him right in the face. His boss wasn't just his boss, he was his goddamn everything.

He would bet all his kitchen knives that the old boss was the one that put all this tangled mess into Joon-gi. He didn't really want to know everything, but he had a good idea that the relationship dynamics were fucked to the Moon. He'd been a boss; he knew what it felt like to have that kind of power and how easily it could be to hurt someone with it. And he'd bet an ass cheek that it was why his boyfriend got so upset about power dynamics, since it'd been practiced on him.

Well. Shit. He now knew exactly what was trying to drown his boyfriend. The goddamn ghost of his boss and all the bullshit thought processes that came with it.

He could save himself or fight like hell.

When bad things had happened in his life, Zhao always fought back. Even when there'd been no hope and all of his power as the boss of the Liumang was slipping away before his eyes, even getting the shit beat out of him, there was something fundamental in him that refused to quit. That somehow there'd be a way out as long as he kept hope. Well, now he was the hope, a frightening thought. But you know what?

He always excelled in things he truly cared about.]

Baby, I don't say what I don't mean. Can I predict the future? No. But I want you here, in my home, in whatever future we're building. We are probably going to stumblefuck our way around since neither one of us is an expert. It doesn't mean we just fucking give up because it's hard. It means we figure out where we fucked up and try again.

[This time he sat back, hands on Joon-gi's shoulders just so tear bright eyes could look into his own. No shades to hide anything, just honest raw emotion.]

I can guarantee I will do something stupid while we're trying to be together. It's like...like building a house. We're trying to build a house together and we've never done it before, but we're starting at the foundation. We're starting out okay. We just gotta keep at it. Because the more we try, the better it's gonna be until one day, it'll be all tricked out. Full of furniture and all the friends and good memories we've built together.

It's 1 a.m. and I kinda lost the metaphor but let me tell you this. If you think I'm going to give up on you, you chose poorly. I don't know how to fucking give up and I don't feel like learning.

[He kissed Joon-gi softly and grinned, a little manic. But he always felt like that before his important fights. He could envision himself yanking Joon-gi out of the grasp of a drowning ghost and swimming like hell for the surface. Not before flipping the ghost off. Important stuff.]

You're stuck with my dumb ass. I hope you realize that.

[joongipan]

[ It really did feel like drowning. Ever since the day he learned that his predecessor died, it felt like he'd been treading water, trying desperately to keep his head above the surface. With each step toward an uncertain future, he could feel the weight of old anxieties pulling at his ankles, threatening to drag him into the crushing depths.

Every day I look in the mirror and don't know who is staring back at me anymore...

Without the shadow of Han Joon-gi to define him, who was he, really? Little by little, he was forgetting the shape of his old face, and when the last vestiges of memory finally faded, he would no longer be Kim Yeonsu. Someday, the mask would fuse into place for good, and he would become the 'real' Han Joon-gi once and for all.

He couldn't keep running from the past forever. One day, it was going to catch up to him, and there would be a reckoning.

And when that day finally arrived, would he still have a place by Zhao's side?

Suddenly, strong hands pulled at his shoulders, and Joon-gi lifted his face to see tear-bright eyes staring into his own. He wanted so much to argue with Zhao—to throw his empty promises back in his face, just to prove how paltry such words truly were. But how could he, when Zhao held him so tightly and told him, in no uncertain terms, just how much he was truly wanted?

If you think I'm going to give up on you, you chose poorly. I don't know how to fucking give up and I don't feel like learning.

He felt Zhao's lips press against his own, and Joon-gi made a soft sound that might have been laughter or perhaps a broken sob. Maybe it was a little of both.

He took a breath and tried to steady his voice, but he could already feel the tears beginning to overflow. They were not tears of sorrow, however, but those born of a fragile hope that maybe, this time, the promise would ring true and he wouldn't be abandoned. ]

You've been out drinking with Kasuga again, haven't you? [ His smile felt so small and brittle, but it was all that he could manage in the face of his tears. ] I can tell that he's been coaching you through these motivational speeches you're so fond of making... and I think it's working.

[ Leaning forward, Joon-gi pulled Zhao into a fierce embrace, fingers curling tight against his shirt, as though he were clinging desperately to a life preserver while he drifted aimlessly on the tide. He buried his face against Zhao's shoulder, so that when next he spoke, his voice was muffled. ]

Promise me you'll stay. If you say it once more, then I promise I'll believe you.

[seemagicshit]

[Well this was it. If he promised, he had to follow through, no matter how hard things got. But that didn't seem like much of a sacrifice to Zhao; he got to take his boyfriend away from everything trying to drown him and he'd be damned if he let that happen.

It was funny, in all his past relationships, he didn't mind sharing. Just the cost of doing business. But now? He was going to exorcise a ghost haunting his boyfriend so he'd be free. Oh he didn't want to name this feeling in him, but he knew it for what it was.

It only got confirmed when his boyfriend finally reached for him, clinging with that ferocious strength.]

First of all, I'm perfectly fine coming up with my own cheesy speeches, but sure, might have had help from Kasuga-kun here and there.

Second of all, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. We got the house, we're building the foundation and I want to see how tricked out we can make it. Together. Hell, we've got a little kitten and that's a great start.

We just stumbled a little bit. But we're going to do that since we haven't built a house before. So I'm staying and I hope you're staying too. Right here.

So. How about we just finish our food and I carry you off to bed and we try to get a tiny bit of sleep before we feed stinky again, hmm?

[joongipan]

[ Joon-gi drew back and rubbed at one red-rimmed eye with the heel of his hand. He nodded minutely, keenly aware of the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach. A little food would probably do him a world of wonders for improving his mood.

Zhao pushed the plate toward him, and Joon-gi hesitated briefly while he stared down at the plate of half-eaten karaage wrapped in crisp cabbage leaves. Gingerly, he picked up one of the wraps and took a breath before biting into it. He chewed thoughtfully, allowing himself a moment to savor the crunchy breading and array of spices, and swallowed with difficulty.

His vision blurred as fresh tears welled up. It reminded him of those bygone days in his childhood home. He remembered his mother standing at the stove in her embroidered apron while Joon-gi (no, he had been called Yeonsu back then) sat at the kitchen table doing his homework. His mother always made karaage whenever he brought home good grades. He looked forward to those nights because his mother would always give him extra from her plate, saying that she made too much.

He never realized until much later that his mother was depriving herself so that he could eat well. He'd been too young to understand why they couldn't afford to buy the name brand food, or why his mother was always bringing home bags of discounted, slightly bruised produce. He didn't know why the recycling was always full of beer bottles or how it was connected to his father's violent moods. He remembered hiding in his room while his father screamed at his mother, demanding to know why the fridge was empty.

Joon-gi continued to eat even as the tears rolled thick and heavy down his cheeks. He choked down his food between heaving breaths, and when his plate was empty, he licked the glaze clean from his fingers. He knew it was disgusting and unseemly to eat in such a manner, but he couldn't help himself.

He was hungry and he wanted to eat. The meager portion wasn't enough to fill the gaping hole inside of him, where it felt like his stomach was gnawing itself.

For as long as he could remember, Joon-gi had always contented himself with scraps. He never asked for more than he was given, and told himself to be satisfied.

But now, he looked at Zhao with tearful eyes, softened by the lack of thick eyeliner, and sniffed loudly.

And, for the first time ever, he asked: ] Can I... Can I please have some more?

[seemagicshit]

[Zhao had learned a little bit on cooking from his dad, but the most he'd learned was from a series of elderly Chinese men and women who spoke broken Japanese. But they'd taught him a lot and took pride in how well he learned. They taught him more than how to cook, but also what food meant to people. It could be a time machine and a gateway to times long past or a way to show how you felt.

Something about the act of food and being offered to Joon-gi had cracked something inside him. Just the last little bit to get him away from the shadow of his boss. When he asked for more, Zhao knew he'd reached him. So he handed him a few tissues and kissed his forehead.]

Of course.

[He had cooked enough that he was going to make it lunch for the next day, so all he had to do was warm it up again and wrap them up in crisp cabbage leaves. He made sure to fill up his boyfriend's plate and set it in front of him before filling up his own.

Holy hell, this might be the best karage he'd ever made. If he ate it in the future, he'd probably never forget this moment of them quietly eating at night. With one of his feet, he gently traced around Joon-gi's ankle. Just always touching a little bit and keeping in contact.

In a pause while they ate, he reached out to wipe away a few tears.]

Our house gonna have the best meals. Everybody gonna be jealous.

[joongipan]

[ He felt the brief press of lips against his brow as Zhao pressed a few tissues into his hands. He dabbed at his eyes and wiped his nose, feeling marginally better.

How long had it been since he shed so many tears? How long had he kept this grief locked away within his heart, as vast and fathomless as the ocean itself?

Too long, by far. And it seemed that he still had a few more tears left to shed.

Zhao set another plate of karaage in front of him, and Joon-gi ate with slightly more enthusiasm though he did so in silence. The karaage was perfectly crisp, even after being reheated, and the cabbage wrapping offered just the right amount of crunch.

It was absolutely delicious, and Joon-gi wanted to savor it.

He paused every now and again to wipe away a trailing tear as he ate, unable to completely halt the flow. But having Zhao next to him helped. He leaned a bit closer, knees bumping together and shoulders brushing. He smiled briefly as Zhao reached over to brush away a lingering tear. ]

Who was it that taught you how to make karaage?

[ He had almost asked "Did your mother teach you?" but thought better of it. Zhao had never once mentioned his mother in all the years that Joon-gi had known him, so he could only assume that she was no longer part of his life. The last thing he wanted to do was carelessly poke at such a sensitive topic, especially when the subject of mothers was something of a sore spot for Joon-gi himself. ]

[seemagicshit]

[Zhao sniffed away his own emotions and smiled. Food, in his opinion, always made everything better. Whatever emotional detonation Joon-gi was going through, the karage was helping with the healing process. He chewed thoughtfully before responding.]

Just a lot of people from the older generations. They'd be pretty fuckin' quick to rap you with a ladle or worse if you couldn't keep up. Sometimes it was my dad for recipes. Sometimes the old guard, but they didn't praise me for anything til I was an adult.

Most of the time just the older generation. Best of them was old man Huang. He didn't give a fuck who you were, only how well you could learn. Taught my dad too, I think. He taught me how preparing food the best of your ability was also showing respect to people who wanted to eat. They're trusting you to feed not just their bodies but their souls and if you could honor that trust, you'd have customers for life.

I lose track who taught what dish. Kinda blends together.

[Maybe because they were in the light of the kitchen during the late night. Or because he hadn't bothered with his rings. But a fine line of white was visible on the backs of his fingers of his left hand. It looked like it'd happened all about the same time and probably with something sharp.]

Sometimes I dream about being taught and I can hear their voices again. It's like saying hi after they died. Kinda neat.

[joongipan]

[ He listened intently as Zhao spoke about his past, picking at the remains of his meal. The way he spoke about cooking and sharing meals with others made it sound almost like a sacred act.

They're trusting you to feed not just their bodies but their souls, and if you could honor that trust, you'd have customers for life. ]

You know, there was this old Chinese woman who owned a restaurant near my childhood home. She used to say something similar. Whenever my mother and I would pick up food, she would always give us extra helpings of orange chicken and rice, even though we couldn't afford it. I think... she knew our situation just by looking at us. Said she didn't care about the money, that she'd rather feed a hundred strangers free of charge than see a single one of them go hungry.

[ In that moment, Joon-gi realized that maybe he'd been acting selfishly by never asking Zhao for seconds, or stating his preferences when it concerned meals. He thought that he'd been making things easier for Zhao, but maybe he saw it as indifference on Joon-gi's part. Something cold slithered its way into his heart at the thought that he might have inadvertently spurned Zhao's affections all this time.

Joon-gi reached for Zhao's hand and absently rubbed his thumb against his knuckles. He could see the small nicks along his fingers from where the knife slipped and he'd cut himself. Old battle scars from a veteran of kitchen work.

What was unusual, though, was the long, thin line sliced across the back of his fingers. If Joon-gi had to hazard a guess, it was indicative of someone else attacking him with some sharp implement. It seemed doubtful that Zhao did that to himself. ]

Those people were like your family, weren't they? So, each time you make one of the recipes they taught you, you're keeping their memory alive. I'm sure Huang must be proud of you, knowing how many people you've fed using the skills he taught you. [ He lowered his gaze, tracing the length of that scar with his thumb. ] Who knows? Maybe you even saved someone's life with one of your meals. Sometimes that makes all the difference for someone living in desperate circumstances.

[seemagicshit]

I don't know about saving anyone's life, but definitely improved moods with my meals.

[He ate his last karage wrap one handed. Who was he to argue if his boyfriend wanted to hold his hand?]

I'd like to think I did all my teachers proud. Also not surprised about the old Chinese lady. Seems like everyone of a certain generation had that mindset. Nowadays it depends on who you interact with.

[With the way Joon-gi traced his thumb on his fingers, it drew attention to the scars. Sometimes you just forgot where you got a certain scar on the body until you got a reminder. Zhao frowned until it came to him and then he brightened.]

Holy shit. I've been putting my rings on so long I kinda forgot that was there. That's the last time my dad got physical with me. Tried to tell me I wasn't shit when I was 17 and was probably drunk. He was getting upset 'cause he was starting to give power over but he didn't want to do all of it just yet. So I'm in the kitchen doing my thing and he's all "I bet this is shit you ain't good enough" and he sliced me. What I didn't know is he heated that bastard.

But I was fuckin' stone cold. Everybody in the kitchen saw it and I stared him down. Then I just dunked my hand in water, finished what I was making and I served it to him. When he took a bite, you could see in his face that it was good and everyone in that room saw it too. Then he mumbled some bullshit excuse and left.

I felt so goddamn happy. I won. I mean, it still hurt like a bitch and I had to wear bandages for a bit but that was when power began to really shift.

But it also told me that I could really cook. Making meals and feeding people just does a lot for me, ya know? So if there's something you actually have a hankering for or maybe you want me to cook more stuff to help your diet, I'm happy to learn, okay?