A new family addition
Sep. 11th, 2024 10:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seemagicshit[Rain pattered against the windows at a steady rate. It made a nice backdrop to the soundscape of Zhao's apartment. The rice cooker chirped pleasantly, miso soup burbled on the stove and the clink of dishware all harmonized and emphasized that a meal would be forthcoming.
Zhao whistled a little tune as he got everything ready. He'd opted for more traditional Japanese this time around, but had an extra dish of grilled chicken for his boyfriend's extra protein needs. He eyed the rain beginning to increase outside. Joon-gi Han would be perfectly fine in his coat, but it was going to leave a mess.
He eyed some of his more threadbare towels, wondering which he could throw on the floor to sit under the sopping coat when he heard the door unlock.]
Hey, baby, you made it just in time for dinner.
Zhao whistled a little tune as he got everything ready. He'd opted for more traditional Japanese this time around, but had an extra dish of grilled chicken for his boyfriend's extra protein needs. He eyed the rain beginning to increase outside. Joon-gi Han would be perfectly fine in his coat, but it was going to leave a mess.
He eyed some of his more threadbare towels, wondering which he could throw on the floor to sit under the sopping coat when he heard the door unlock.]
Hey, baby, you made it just in time for dinner.
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Date: 2024-09-25 11:32 pm (UTC)Hey man. Yeah we kinda risked it, but we're both here. I still want you here, ya know? I wanna understand and shoving part of yourself in a box isn't how I roll. Not anymore.
[It was a good statement, he thought, but undercut by the big crunchy bite of food he needed.]
You. Didn't. Hurt me. You certainly took charge of me, and I kinda wondered where the fuck we were going with everything, but I never felt like you were out to kick my ass or anything. This...being in charge sometimes is something that obviously gets you off and I'm definitely all about that.
I just want to know how we can do that safely and together when we're both in that kinda mood. You know how you made me feel so good? I wanna know what I can do to help YOU feel good. I think I gotta know how you see this or what you need for this to know if this trips into something I'm not good with.
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Date: 2024-09-26 01:58 am (UTC)Try as he might, Joon-gi couldn't find a trace of disgust nor judgement in that look.
I wanna understand, and shoving part of yourself in a box isn't how I roll.
He straightened in his seat. Is that what he had been doing all this time? Cutting away the parts of himself that no longer served and burying them so deep that even he could no longer recognize them?
He could feel the mask slipping once again, the cracks in his carefully constructed facade widening by degrees. Despite everything, it still surprised him that Zhao was reaching out his hand in a bid for understanding, chipping away at the wall of ice Joon-gi had constructed to keep anyone from ever touching his heart.
Only one other man had successfully breached that icy wall... But he was gone, and only a pale shadow of his former self remained to bear his name.
He took a breath and the words spilled out of him, haltingly, at first. ]
I didn't. [ He lowered his eyes, tracing the rim of his cup with his thumb. ] But I could have. And that's what frightens me, the thought that I could be capable of hurting you, despite my best intentions. I just...
[ He paused, brows furrowed as he struggled to articulate his thoughts. ]
As much as I enjoyed that moment we shared together, I want to be careful. I don't want to risk ruining the future we're building together by acting recklessly. [ Joon-gi bit his lip, wondering if he should leave it at that, but decided against it. ] If you're interested in trying that again—giving up control to me—then we need to decide on a safeword. That way, if things get too intense, you can tap out at any time, no questions asked.
[ 'If' being the operative word here, though Zhao already seemed open to the possibility that this option wasn't entirely off the table.
Even so, it had to be his choice. This wasn't something Joon-gi felt comfortable asking from him, as of now. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-26 02:57 am (UTC)Yeah, having a safeword makes sense. I'm going to make it something silly like...uh...pickle, because it'll jar us both out of the moment. If I forget and just start throwing out random names of food, that's what I'm going for.
[He actually said building a future. Holy shit. You only get this upset if you're worried you just fucked up your one chance in having something really important. THAT thought made his heart skip a beat. It made Zhao think of the night that Joon-gi had reluctantly spoke up and wanted to stay at his place for the night. Which led him to think of the morning with breakfast and how the other man had looked at the meal and quietly wept.
It was easy to just sense someone was going through it and give them the space to center themselves. But that plus admitting his fear, plus thinking like he was a stray?
He's fucking drowning.
Zhao kissed his boyfriend's knuckles, one at a time.]
So you know what? We got a plan in place for the future. But you know? Maybe we try other things. Like I said before, us learning how to really get each other off is a skill and we're gonna mess up along the way. So's just...fuck, I don't know how to put this.
Just understanding each other, yeah? I think as long as we keep trying and keep talking about it, we're gonna get better at it.
[Zhao knew a thing or two about feeling like drowning. Getting bogged down with job and position and place in life that threatened to crush his sense of self to nothing. But he was strong. He withstood it as long as he could. But ultimately, what helped him were real friends.
He didn't know enough to know how to pull Joon-gi out of whatever was trying to drag him down. But maybe being there was a start. He scooted his chair around, just so he could hold the other man in his arms and then whisper in his ear.]
I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not leaving you.
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Date: 2024-09-27 12:20 am (UTC)Zhao really was his lifeline, wasn't he? After the Geomijul headquarters burned down, Joon-gi had nowhere else he could call home.
Until now.
His lips twitched into a half-hearted smile. When faced with a difficult situation, Zhao always tried to inject a bit of levity to ease the tension. It was one of the many reasons Joon-gi found himself falling so hard for the man in spite of everything. ]
Of course. It's always food with you, isn't it? [ He laughed beneath his breath. ] I'll make sure to remember. Promise.
[ He shivered as Zhao pressed a kiss to each of his knuckles, as though he were some fairytale knight swearing fealty to his beloved prince. A faint blush bloomed across Joon-gi's face at the thought of being swept off his feet, knowing that he'd be safe and protected in Zhao's arms.
But his life wasn't some fairytale. There were never any happy endings. Every time he allowed himself to grow comfortable and complacent, something would come along and upend his entire life. Every time he allowed himself to love and cherish something, it would inevitably be snatched away.
Maybe he was simply waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it always did.
Maybe he was waiting for Zhao to leave him. Because he would, eventually. He'd grow tired of taking care of Joon-gi, of trying to navigate his hang-ups and reticent moods. He'd want someone more forthright, more assertive; someone warm and outgoing and—
Before his thoughts could spiral any further, he felt Zhao's strong arms embrace him, pulling him close. Joon-gi exhaled softly as he felt Zhao's grip tighten against his shoulders, and he trembled as he reached up and hesitantly returned his embrace. He tipped his head against Zhao's shoulder, fingers curling tightly against his shirt.
I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not leaving you.
Something broke inside of Joon-gi at those words. His eyes burned with the threat of tears, breath hitching in his chest as he tried to speak over the lump that had suddenly settled in his throat. ]
Don't say things like that. Don't make promises you can't keep. [ His voice was little more than a thin whisper. ] Please. My heart has already been broken once before...
[ Before meeting Zhao, he thought he would spend the rest of his life picking up the pieces. Only now did he realize that the man he had come to love so dearly was holding his missing piece, replacing the ones he had lost along the way.
Maybe that's why he was so afraid of losing Zhao—because losing Zhao would be like losing a part of himself all over again, and could he survive having his heart broken a second time? ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-27 01:54 am (UTC)"My heart has been broken once before..."
With everything Zhao was putting together and now with this information, it smacked him right in the face. His boss wasn't just his boss, he was his goddamn everything.
He would bet all his kitchen knives that the old boss was the one that put all this tangled mess into Joon-gi. He didn't really want to know everything, but he had a good idea that the relationship dynamics were fucked to the Moon. He'd been a boss; he knew what it felt like to have that kind of power and how easily it could be to hurt someone with it. And he'd bet an ass cheek that it was why his boyfriend got so upset about power dynamics, since it'd been practiced on him.
Well. Shit. He now knew exactly what was trying to drown his boyfriend. The goddamn ghost of his boss and all the bullshit thought processes that came with it.
He could save himself or fight like hell.
When bad things had happened in his life, Zhao always fought back. Even when there'd been no hope and all of his power as the boss of the Liumang was slipping away before his eyes, even getting the shit beat out of him, there was something fundamental in him that refused to quit. That somehow there'd be a way out as long as he kept hope. Well, now he was the hope, a frightening thought. But you know what?
He always excelled in things he truly cared about.]
Baby, I don't say what I don't mean. Can I predict the future? No. But I want you here, in my home, in whatever future we're building. We are probably going to stumblefuck our way around since neither one of us is an expert. It doesn't mean we just fucking give up because it's hard. It means we figure out where we fucked up and try again.
[This time he sat back, hands on Joon-gi's shoulders just so tear bright eyes could look into his own. No shades to hide anything, just honest raw emotion.]
I can guarantee I will do something stupid while we're trying to be together. It's like...like building a house. We're trying to build a house together and we've never done it before, but we're starting at the foundation. We're starting out okay. We just gotta keep at it. Because the more we try, the better it's gonna be until one day, it'll be all tricked out. Full of furniture and all the friends and good memories we've built together.
It's 1 a.m. and I kinda lost the metaphor but let me tell you this. If you think I'm going to give up on you, you chose poorly. I don't know how to fucking give up and I don't feel like learning.
[He kissed Joon-gi softly and grinned, a little manic. But he always felt like that before his important fights. He could envision himself yanking Joon-gi out of the grasp of a drowning ghost and swimming like hell for the surface. Not before flipping the ghost off. Important stuff.]
You're stuck with my dumb ass. I hope you realize that.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-29 12:49 am (UTC)Every day I look in the mirror and don't know who is staring back at me anymore...
Without the shadow of Han Joon-gi to define him, who was he, really? Little by little, he was forgetting the shape of his old face, and when the last vestiges of memory finally faded, he would no longer be Kim Yeonsu. Someday, the mask would fuse into place for good, and he would become the 'real' Han Joon-gi once and for all.
He couldn't keep running from the past forever. One day, it was going to catch up to him, and there would be a reckoning.
And when that day finally arrived, would he still have a place by Zhao's side?
Suddenly, strong hands pulled at his shoulders, and Joon-gi lifted his face to see tear-bright eyes staring into his own. He wanted so much to argue with Zhao—to throw his empty promises back in his face, just to prove how paltry such words truly were. But how could he, when Zhao held him so tightly and told him, in no uncertain terms, just how much he was truly wanted?
If you think I'm going to give up on you, you chose poorly. I don't know how to fucking give up and I don't feel like learning.
He felt Zhao's lips press against his own, and Joon-gi made a soft sound that might have been laughter or perhaps a broken sob. Maybe it was a little of both.
He took a breath and tried to steady his voice, but he could already feel the tears beginning to overflow. They were not tears of sorrow, however, but those born of a fragile hope that maybe, this time, the promise would ring true and he wouldn't be abandoned. ]
You've been out drinking with Kasuga again, haven't you? [ His smile felt so small and brittle, but it was all that he could manage in the face of his tears. ] I can tell that he's been coaching you through these motivational speeches you're so fond of making... and I think it's working.
[ Leaning forward, Joon-gi pulled Zhao into a fierce embrace, fingers curling tight against his shirt, as though he were clinging desperately to a life preserver while he drifted aimlessly on the tide. He buried his face against Zhao's shoulder, so that when next he spoke, his voice was muffled. ]
Promise me you'll stay. If you say it once more, then I promise I'll believe you.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-29 12:25 pm (UTC)It was funny, in all his past relationships, he didn't mind sharing. Just the cost of doing business. But now? He was going to exorcise a ghost haunting his boyfriend so he'd be free. Oh he didn't want to name this feeling in him, but he knew it for what it was.
It only got confirmed when his boyfriend finally reached for him, clinging with that ferocious strength.]
First of all, I'm perfectly fine coming up with my own cheesy speeches, but sure, might have had help from Kasuga-kun here and there.
Second of all, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. We got the house, we're building the foundation and I want to see how tricked out we can make it. Together. Hell, we've got a little kitten and that's a great start.
We just stumbled a little bit. But we're going to do that since we haven't built a house before. So I'm staying and I hope you're staying too. Right here.
So. How about we just finish our food and I carry you off to bed and we try to get a tiny bit of sleep before we feed stinky again, hmm?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 02:16 am (UTC)Zhao pushed the plate toward him, and Joon-gi hesitated briefly while he stared down at the plate of half-eaten karaage wrapped in crisp cabbage leaves. Gingerly, he picked up one of the wraps and took a breath before biting into it. He chewed thoughtfully, allowing himself a moment to savor the crunchy breading and array of spices, and swallowed with difficulty.
His vision blurred as fresh tears welled up. It reminded him of those bygone days in his childhood home. He remembered his mother standing at the stove in her embroidered apron while Joon-gi (no, he had been called Yeonsu back then) sat at the kitchen table doing his homework. His mother always made karaage whenever he brought home good grades. He looked forward to those nights because his mother would always give him extra from her plate, saying that she made too much.
He never realized until much later that his mother was depriving herself so that he could eat well. He'd been too young to understand why they couldn't afford to buy the name brand food, or why his mother was always bringing home bags of discounted, slightly bruised produce. He didn't know why the recycling was always full of beer bottles or how it was connected to his father's violent moods. He remembered hiding in his room while his father screamed at his mother, demanding to know why the fridge was empty.
Joon-gi continued to eat even as the tears rolled thick and heavy down his cheeks. He choked down his food between heaving breaths, and when his plate was empty, he licked the glaze clean from his fingers. He knew it was disgusting and unseemly to eat in such a manner, but he couldn't help himself.
He was hungry and he wanted to eat. The meager portion wasn't enough to fill the gaping hole inside of him, where it felt like his stomach was gnawing itself.
For as long as he could remember, Joon-gi had always contented himself with scraps. He never asked for more than he was given, and told himself to be satisfied.
But now, he looked at Zhao with tearful eyes, softened by the lack of thick eyeliner, and sniffed loudly.
And, for the first time ever, he asked: ] Can I... Can I please have some more?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 10:00 pm (UTC)Something about the act of food and being offered to Joon-gi had cracked something inside him. Just the last little bit to get him away from the shadow of his boss. When he asked for more, Zhao knew he'd reached him. So he handed him a few tissues and kissed his forehead.]
Of course.
[He had cooked enough that he was going to make it lunch for the next day, so all he had to do was warm it up again and wrap them up in crisp cabbage leaves. He made sure to fill up his boyfriend's plate and set it in front of him before filling up his own.
Holy hell, this might be the best karage he'd ever made. If he ate it in the future, he'd probably never forget this moment of them quietly eating at night. With one of his feet, he gently traced around Joon-gi's ankle. Just always touching a little bit and keeping in contact.
In a pause while they ate, he reached out to wipe away a few tears.]
Our house gonna have the best meals. Everybody gonna be jealous.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 02:34 am (UTC)How long had it been since he shed so many tears? How long had he kept this grief locked away within his heart, as vast and fathomless as the ocean itself?
Too long, by far. And it seemed that he still had a few more tears left to shed.
Zhao set another plate of karaage in front of him, and Joon-gi ate with slightly more enthusiasm though he did so in silence. The karaage was perfectly crisp, even after being reheated, and the cabbage wrapping offered just the right amount of crunch.
It was absolutely delicious, and Joon-gi wanted to savor it.
He paused every now and again to wipe away a trailing tear as he ate, unable to completely halt the flow. But having Zhao next to him helped. He leaned a bit closer, knees bumping together and shoulders brushing. He smiled briefly as Zhao reached over to brush away a lingering tear. ]
Who was it that taught you how to make karaage?
[ He had almost asked "Did your mother teach you?" but thought better of it. Zhao had never once mentioned his mother in all the years that Joon-gi had known him, so he could only assume that she was no longer part of his life. The last thing he wanted to do was carelessly poke at such a sensitive topic, especially when the subject of mothers was something of a sore spot for Joon-gi himself. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 05:32 pm (UTC)Just a lot of people from the older generations. They'd be pretty fuckin' quick to rap you with a ladle or worse if you couldn't keep up. Sometimes it was my dad for recipes. Sometimes the old guard, but they didn't praise me for anything til I was an adult.
Most of the time just the older generation. Best of them was old man Huang. He didn't give a fuck who you were, only how well you could learn. Taught my dad too, I think. He taught me how preparing food the best of your ability was also showing respect to people who wanted to eat. They're trusting you to feed not just their bodies but their souls and if you could honor that trust, you'd have customers for life.
I lose track who taught what dish. Kinda blends together.
[Maybe because they were in the light of the kitchen during the late night. Or because he hadn't bothered with his rings. But a fine line of white was visible on the backs of his fingers of his left hand. It looked like it'd happened all about the same time and probably with something sharp.]
Sometimes I dream about being taught and I can hear their voices again. It's like saying hi after they died. Kinda neat.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 02:24 am (UTC)They're trusting you to feed not just their bodies but their souls, and if you could honor that trust, you'd have customers for life. ]
You know, there was this old Chinese woman who owned a restaurant near my childhood home. She used to say something similar. Whenever my mother and I would pick up food, she would always give us extra helpings of orange chicken and rice, even though we couldn't afford it. I think... she knew our situation just by looking at us. Said she didn't care about the money, that she'd rather feed a hundred strangers free of charge than see a single one of them go hungry.
[ In that moment, Joon-gi realized that maybe he'd been acting selfishly by never asking Zhao for seconds, or stating his preferences when it concerned meals. He thought that he'd been making things easier for Zhao, but maybe he saw it as indifference on Joon-gi's part. Something cold slithered its way into his heart at the thought that he might have inadvertently spurned Zhao's affections all this time.
Joon-gi reached for Zhao's hand and absently rubbed his thumb against his knuckles. He could see the small nicks along his fingers from where the knife slipped and he'd cut himself. Old battle scars from a veteran of kitchen work.
What was unusual, though, was the long, thin line sliced across the back of his fingers. If Joon-gi had to hazard a guess, it was indicative of someone else attacking him with some sharp implement. It seemed doubtful that Zhao did that to himself. ]
Those people were like your family, weren't they? So, each time you make one of the recipes they taught you, you're keeping their memory alive. I'm sure Huang must be proud of you, knowing how many people you've fed using the skills he taught you. [ He lowered his gaze, tracing the length of that scar with his thumb. ] Who knows? Maybe you even saved someone's life with one of your meals. Sometimes that makes all the difference for someone living in desperate circumstances.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 10:03 pm (UTC)[He ate his last karage wrap one handed. Who was he to argue if his boyfriend wanted to hold his hand?]
I'd like to think I did all my teachers proud. Also not surprised about the old Chinese lady. Seems like everyone of a certain generation had that mindset. Nowadays it depends on who you interact with.
[With the way Joon-gi traced his thumb on his fingers, it drew attention to the scars. Sometimes you just forgot where you got a certain scar on the body until you got a reminder. Zhao frowned until it came to him and then he brightened.]
Holy shit. I've been putting my rings on so long I kinda forgot that was there. That's the last time my dad got physical with me. Tried to tell me I wasn't shit when I was 17 and was probably drunk. He was getting upset 'cause he was starting to give power over but he didn't want to do all of it just yet. So I'm in the kitchen doing my thing and he's all "I bet this is shit you ain't good enough" and he sliced me. What I didn't know is he heated that bastard.
But I was fuckin' stone cold. Everybody in the kitchen saw it and I stared him down. Then I just dunked my hand in water, finished what I was making and I served it to him. When he took a bite, you could see in his face that it was good and everyone in that room saw it too. Then he mumbled some bullshit excuse and left.
I felt so goddamn happy. I won. I mean, it still hurt like a bitch and I had to wear bandages for a bit but that was when power began to really shift.
But it also told me that I could really cook. Making meals and feeding people just does a lot for me, ya know? So if there's something you actually have a hankering for or maybe you want me to cook more stuff to help your diet, I'm happy to learn, okay?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 11:25 pm (UTC)That was stupid and pointlessly cruel. If the cut had been any deeper, you could have lost the use of that hand entirely...
[ But since when did a father need a reason to hurt his son? Joon-gi (Yeonsu) remembered the pain of every split lip, every backhanded blow across his skull; the bruises turning black and blue down the length of his back. His father had been careful to make sure the wounds were in places no one would see. He didn't want anyone asking awkward questions.
Of course, all of that stopped once Yeonsu had his face surgically altered—his humanity stripped away and exchanged for the visage of a god. He remembered how, for the first time ever, his father kissed his brow, almost worshipfully, while Yeonsu (soon to be Han Joon-gi) stared at him helplessly through the veil of gauze covering his face, and wept with impotent rage. Because he was too weak to raise a hand against the man who had hurt him over and over and over again... ]
You handled that with far more grace than I would have done, that's for sure. If I had been in your place, I would have decked the old man, and he would have deserved it.
[ Han Joon-gi would never have suffered such a blatant display of disrespect. He'd seen first hand how his predecessor dealt with those who disrespected him... and it wasn't pretty.
But Joon-gi pushed that thought aside as he raised Zhao's hand to his lips and pressed a tender kiss against his knuckles, as if such a gesture could somehow erase the memory of the pain inflicted so long ago.
They sat there together in silence for many long moments while Joon-gi continued to hold Zhao's hand. ]
I think... I'd like it if you could make orange chicken for dinner tomorrow. That is, if it's not too much trouble... [ He lifted his gaze, and there was something wistful in his expression. ] I've tried it at so many different restaurants, but none of them came close to how that old woman made it. But I bet you could do it if you put your mind to it.
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Date: 2024-10-04 12:15 am (UTC)[Companionable silence settled until Zhao finally heard a food request from his boyfriend. Inwardly his heart leapt.]
Orange chicken? Haven't made it in a bit, but we could make it a fun experiment. I'll make it and you tell me what you think it needs to make it perfect.
[He cleaned up the table and took a look at the clock on the oven.] Okay, we actually have to try to sleep after all that. I'll set an alarm and we can duke it out to see who takes the next feeding.
[A quick glance at the princess bed showed Chun Li very blissfully asleep.]
But let's go to bed, yeah? Curl up with me.
[After they brushed their teeth and settled in, Zhao pulled Joon-gi in toward his chest, holding him fiercely.]
I'm here. And I'm not leaving.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-05 02:17 am (UTC)But he hoped that it would never come to that, especially now that Zhao had stepped down as the leader of the Yokohama Liumang. He wasn't a threat to anyone. Not anymore.
Joon-gi tried not to let that morbid thought show on his face as he smiled serenely. ]
If you let me sleep through the alarm again, I will sleep on the couch with Chun-Li, just to make sure I get a turn feeding her!
[ He hoped that light-hearted threat would be enough to dissuade Zhao from resorting to any underhanded tactics.
The mood certainly felt lighter as the two of them got ready for bed. As soon as Joon-gi slid beneath the sheets, he felt Zhao reach for him, cradling him close. Joon-gi nestled against him and slipped one hand between the press of their bodies, to rest against the space over Zhao's heart. He could feel it beating strong and steady beneath his fingertips, and it was a comfort to have him so close; to feel his arms wrapped around him so tightly, and to hear those words spoken with such surety.
What Zhao said before was true: neither of them could predict the future. But Joon-gi could trust that Zhao would keep his promise, if only for this one night.
And, maybe, the night after that. And the next one, and the next... ]
I know. [ He mumbled against Zhao's chest. ] You made a promise, and I'm going to hold you to it.
[ He lapsed into silence, listening to the distant sounds of the city. He might simply have left it at that, but Joon-gi decided that he didn't want to keep this particular thought all to himself. ]
I love you. I know I don't say it as often as I should, but I just wanted you to know.
[ He could say it now, enveloped as they were in the darkness, with no one else to hear them. It felt safe to speak the words, and to believe that by doing so, he wouldn't be inviting misfortune.
Joon-gi pressed a soft kiss to Zhao's mouth and then closed his eyes, feeling safe and secure in the cradle of his lover's arms. ]